Trigger warning: eating disorders
When food behaviours aren’t right
I’d known for years that the way I used food wasn’t right.
Restricting, binging, constantly thinking about it, following self-imposed rules and fad diets, always looking for the secret trick for losing that half stone. I also knew that I didn’t have an eating disorder. These are serious mental illnesses and although I often felt pretty wretched, I was aware that, thankfully, that wasn’t the issue for me. With hindsight, however, I probably wasn’t far from tipping over into a more harmful pattern of behaviour.
Overeating doesn’t mean you’re greedy or weak
I assumed I was lazy, greedy, lacking in discipline and willpower. I new something was wrong but didn’t know what to do about it. Once I even googled Overeaters Anonymous, but that didn’t really speak to either my personal philosophy or my experiences.
At the supermarket checkout, I’d wonder if the assistant could tell that all of the food on the conveyor belt was just for me that evening. I doubt they knew. Even though it included a large pizza, a pasty, a family bag of crisps, a box of Coco Pops, a loaf of bread, a jar of Nutella, and some sort of chocolatey pudding. Oh yes, and five giant cookies to eat in the car during the 10 minute drive home.
It’s no surprise that putting away most of this in the space of a couple of hours didn’t make me feel great. Guilt, shame and disgust sat on top of the physical discomfort. After hiding the evidence, I’d have a strong word with myself. I’d make sure I knew how revolting I was, and vow to be “good” from now on.
The punishment
To make up for everything, I would cut calories, either however I decided was best or by following whichever diet caught my eye. SlimFast, one from a women’s magazine, even (a low point in 1998) eating nothing but satsumas, madeleines and chocolate milk.
“It’s all right for you, you’re always so slim!”.
I heard this a lot, and would smile and nod, thinking “You have no idea how hard it is to stay this size”. And I wasn’t especially tiny, although I’ve swung from a size 6/8 to a 12/14 over the years, all in the pursuit of something in the middle.
What disordered eating looked like for me
This is what disordered eating looked like for me.
Extremes of binging on beige fatty foods, followed by periods of “clean” dieting to offset the damage I felt I’d caused. Constant monitoring of the bathroom scales, whose numbers could make or break my day. I’d eat in secret, mostly in the car. I’d find excuses to stop at a petrol station for snacks or take food out with me “just in case”. Put leftovers in the bin so I wouldn’t eat them, then get them back out again and polish them off. Made sure I only had 6 slices of banana on my single slice of breakfast toast. Eat quite differently in front of other people to how I would by myself. Feel I had to exercise to earn my calories… the miserable list goes on.
Disordered eating vs eating disorders
Disordered eating is largely about having abnormal eating patterns. This might include things I experienced, as well as other self-imposed rules, rituals, exclusions, preoccupations and more. These are behavioural issues, and whilst exhausting, unhealthy and potentially damaging, they are not the same as more narrowly defined, clinically diagnosed eating disorders.
I had resigned myself to being stuck in this cycle for the rest of my life. If I’d done it for over 20 years, why would the next 20 or more be any different?
How I broke the cycle of disordered eating
What finally changed for me was studying nutrition. I came across the term “disordered eating” for the first time, a moment that hit pretty hard and had me crying in front of the laptop. I also learnt why those behaviours were happening and what I could do to start moving away from that cycle.
This has included eating more (who knew!), listening to my body’s signals and dealing with stress. It’s also meant getting more sleep and seeing food as an opportunity to nourish myself with wonderful things. And realising that “good enough is good enough”. It’s taken a little while, but being calm around food feels great. I can still pack away a box of chocolate fingers, but that’s because they are flipping delicious, not because I am weak and revolting. And I certainly don’t feel the need to “atone” for them the next day. Just enjoy, then move on.
How to get help
My work as a nutrition coach has shown me that disordered eating is so much more common than I would ever have imagined, often thanks to the nonsense of traditional diet culture. I have clients who struggle with overeating, emotional eating, restrictions and cravings. Having someone to talk to who understands how tough it can be is a big help, and this is where 1:1 nutrition coaching can make a difference. Please know that you are absolutely not alone and it can get better!
For support with eating disorders, whether for you or for a loved one, please see Beat for lots of information and advice.